theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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