I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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