I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
