I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
