it hurts more in the daytime
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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