I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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