i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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