I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
