i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
