Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
