dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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