I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
