The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
