She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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