i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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