I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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