How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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