Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
