You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
