I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
