I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
