i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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