On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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