Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
