Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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