Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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