Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
