my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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