How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
