Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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