Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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