He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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