maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I have already put on my inside pants.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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