I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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