I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
