May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
