Got a toothbrush?
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Everyone says I win the strip club
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
