I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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