I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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