All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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