My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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