even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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