YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
