Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
