haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
