I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
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