got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
