please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
