sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
