he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
