Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
