Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
